Your Sick? Get better!

It's offically 6:00 on Christmas Eve & mamaw is sicker than a dying dog. She was up all night hacking her lungs out and spent most of her time curled over the toliet. She was even up till 5 o'clock this morning wrapping gifts. If I was her I would of died. She is a strong woman she'll get through it. I hope she's better for Christmas so she can enjoy herself. I can't wait for Christmas so I can see all my family and we can have a dinner like we do every year. I'm very excited! I am starting 2010 with no boyfriend & I couldn't be more happy. I don't need a man to make me happy. I'm perfectly happy being single. Most men are nothing but drama and a waste of time. I deffinatley don't need drama or to waste my time. Since 2010 is a new decade I'm turning my life around. I'm deciding to be celibate. The best decision for me. If a man doesn't want to be with me because I won't have sex with him; then he's not the man for me.

Right?

Almost Christmas Time!!!

This year has been very hectic and hard for me. I lost a uncle and it was my son's 3rd birthday. I only wish he wasn't in heaven so I could spend it with him. I can't belive it's 3 years since he was born. Time goes by so fast, but I'll never forget the little but great time we had together. He will always be in my heart. I miss you more than words can even begin to describe. Christmas time is always rough for me since my best friend through middle school died after his 13th birthday on the 12th of this month. It's actually been 6 yrs. It seems like just yesterday we were at the 5th grade dance with each other. You will always be in my heart also.

Christmas shopping is finally done exactly 2 days before Christmas. I bet my mamaw is beyond relieved. She even treated herself to a margarita on the rocks with salt. I wish I could treat myself too but I have a little more than a year left before I'm 21. I mean it's taking forever. I'm only going to be 20 in May. I can't wait till Christmas is over. It's such a hectic holiday, but a great holiday since family gets together for it. I keep trying to figure out what I'm getting for Christmas, but my mamaw is so secritive I've never figured it out. I'll find out soon enough though. Can't wait!!!

Should I follow my heart or gut?

There is this boy named Daniel. He and I started dating a lil while ago but have been talking for over a month. When I met him almost a week ago for the first time in the month i've known him he told me he loved me. That made me the happiest girl in the world. Every day since then I wonder if i'm enough to keep him intrested. If i'm good enough. If he really means it.

My heart says he does and my gut says if i keep nagging he's going to leave. So in this case I'm going to follow both my heart and gut.

Maybe this time they will lead me in the right direction.

Maybe a direction I really want to go in. Who knows?...

I do love him. I have always and will always love him. This is my first Christmas with a boyfriend. He is getting me the Carrie Underwood cd for Christmas.

Today he came over and we went to Subway. He even bought me my food. :)

We went home and cuddled and shit. He fell asleep because he didnt feel good. He looks so cute when he sleeps that its hard to wake him at 8 when he had to leave :)

2010 Resolutions to be.

There is a lot of things I want to get done in 2010.

I want to get a job, go back to school, get my ged, get a steady boyfriend, loose 30 lbs, grow a inch, eat healthier, cut out white bread & sugar & many more things. Those are the thing I thought of right off the top of my head. I am trying to build a new me from the inside out. No matter how pretty I get on the outside it will never be enough to cover how I really feel in the inside. I don't feel that pretty on the inside. I feel used and abused. No more stupid shit to make me upset. No more drama & DEFINATLEY no more boys that waste my time. I don't need to spend the rest of my life worrying about boys. I need to worry about me and only me. No guy is going to be there through it all at this moment. I can only really count on myself and my family to help me thru this hard time.

No Sex in a Month!

I have been celibate for about a month. It feels so good not to have sex. I am not getting used all the time now. If I tell the guy I don't want to have sex and he leaves then that's all he is after. No more sex to make guys like me. If they don't like me because I won't have sex with them, then fuck them. They are douche bags. I don't need them. I deserve way better than what they give or offer me. I don't deserve to be used for sex.

Anyways...a update on my life

I met this guy named Joel. He is a sweet guy and seemed pretty normal. Well that all changed one day when he gave me disturbing news. He told me he had some health problems. I could think of some things but not anything compared to what he told me....

He said he had cancer, depression, homicidal & suicidal thoughts, he was really small and fragile about 5 ft and 100 lbs. I'm afraid I would break him. He also told me he's been in foster care and his mom used to beat him. I thought about how I can or if I could ever be with someone with these many and severe problems.

So I came up with a conclusion...

I could. I need to stick by him and help him through all of this. He needs me more than anyone else. We talk everyday and talk for hours at a time. He means the world to me. He is such high spirted for all the stuff that has happend to him. I think he's one of the strongest people I know.

I am glad to have him in my life. Currently Joel is in a phyiciatric pavilion in a hospital for a suicide attempt but, he's getting better.